My new life as a mother

Well, life has certainly changed dramatically since my last post. I now have a six month-old daughter and she has made everything brighter and so wonderful. She came 9 days late (I guess she did not want to come out) and spent a very short stay in the NICU, but she is healthy and happy. We are just over the moon in love with her.

It hasn't been all easy. In fact, it was very difficult for me, in the beginning. After Husband went back to work it was just me and Audrey, and it was wonderfully sweet to cuddle with her and nurse her and watch her make adorable faces in her sleep. But I was exhausted, and sad. More sad than anyone should be after having a baby. And I was sad for a long time. Not everyone I say this to has the same reaction, but it's the truth-- in the beginning, they really are just like a blob. They are cute, of course, but they don't really respond much to all the hard work you are doing. They don't know how tired you are, how hungry you are, how desperately you want to just sneak away and take a shower (or have a margarita!) --all they know is they are hungry/tired/wet/uncomfortable and you need to fix it right this instant. It's hard! No thank-yous, no smiles, no hugs, nothing. After a while it can wear down a person. And your body has just changed so much-- you go from being the beautiful pregnant woman people open doors for and smile at when you walk down the aisle at the supermarket, to a frizzy sloppy hot mess. That can really shake up your self-confidence. There is so much happening and changing, and as happy as you are to become a mother and bring such a beautiful kid into the world, it can be terrifying and extremely hard for some. I'm just one of those people who had it harder than others, particularly when it came to my emotions. I'm doing much better now, since I asked for help and received it. It took quite a while for me to admit that I wasn't doing so well, and that it's not normal to cry at the drop of a hat every day, but with the encouragement of my online mommy group, I reached out and got the care that I needed. I'm working on all of it, and little by little I am getting better. 

One thing that I did to focus on feeling better was to go out and make some mommy friends! I now co-organize a meetup group with another mom who has a little girl almost exactly the same age as Audrey. We are meeting plenty of lovely ladies in our area who have children around the same ages as our little ones, and we regularly meet to go on walks or have lunch, or go shopping... it's nice to get together with them and not worry about my hair looking just-so, or holding anyone back by stopping to change/feed Audrey. We certainly are a sight to be seen when we get together, five or six of us with our strollers and carriers. Sometimes I feel like we are an exhibit at a museum or caged animals at the zoo, with spectators pointing and smiling, whispering to each other as they walk past. But it does not bother me in the least, I just smile back and think how lucky we all are to have each other, and our beautiful babes.

I do not get to take showers as often as I'd like, or wash the dishes regularly, or keep up with the laundry. And though I feel guilt when I think of all the chores I could be getting done while Audrey naps, I try to let those feelings go and kick my feet up. Because being a mommy is hard work, and every so often you need to give yourself a break. Sit down, relax, and just breathe. Close your eyes and go on a vacation in your mind. Right now I'm going to sit down and imagine how nice it would be to get a massage-- or go swimming (in a magical swimsuit that manages to cover every wobbly bit and stretch mark on my body) until my baby girl decides she is done with her nap. Then we will play and sing and crawl on the floor and enjoy ourselves. It is very hard work but I love her so much. Seeing that gummy smile-- with one tooth beginning to peek out at the bottom-- makes it all a little bit easier. 

Any day now...

So here we are with my due date 10 days off. Little Audrey could come any day now. I know we are all so very anxious to meet her. I have to keep reminding myself that not only could she come any day now, but she could also come late and I am trying to mentally prepare myself for that as well. Even so, I am sure that if the due date comes and goes and she still has not made an appearance, I will start to get a little nuts. It is just so surreal to think that at any time I could go into labor and have my baby. My baby girl. My daughter. 

I cannot even imagine how I am going to feel, I don't think it's something I can predict or fathom until it happens. Even then I don't even know if I will be able to put it into words. I look around the living room and see her bouncer, all assembled (but still in need of some batteries), my packed hospital bag, her carseat... I walk into the nursery and just stare and stare at the empty spaces where she will eventually sleep and cry and fuss and giggle. The chair where I plan to read her bedtime stories and nurse her and tickle her, and blow raspberries on her tummy. And I just can't wrap my head around her being in that bouncer, or that carseat, or that chair. I know it's coming, and soon. But I still just cannot fully picture it. I just don't think it has truly, truly hit me yet. It is such a strange place to be, mentally. Knowing that there is this person about to enter our lives and become such a huge part of everything we are, and yet she is not here yet and I just... I don't know. It's just so surreal. But I know I am in for quite the ride. 

Come on out, Audrey. We are waiting for you.

I'm large & in charge

Since it has been 3 months, I would say I am about two months and three weeks overdue for a new blog posting. I really, really suck at this. I can't even keep a pregnancy journal updated for more than two entries for my future daughter to read. Poor girl, she will learn soon enough who her mother is. I just hope that is one trait I do not pass on to her. I like to look back and read things that I wrote in the past, but I'm so patchy with my 'updates' that there is not really much to read. I would hope that she is better at that sort of thing than I am.

Speaking of "her," I suppose I should give a pregnancy update. To the vast, vast number of readers. ...that was a joke, get it?

Anywho, I am 32 weeks along and getting larger and more uncomfortable each day. I just completed the nursery today. Her name is for sure going to be Audrey, but we are on the fence about what her middle name will be. She will be here before we know it. My calendar is filling up fast as my doctor appointments become more frequent, plus I have signed up for three, count 'em, three classes on babies and such and so I will be super super prepped and ready. Right. This Friday is our maternity photo session that a family friend of ours is shooting for us. I am excited! I have been doing so much to prepare for her arrival in just under 8 short weeks from now, but I know I will not be really ready and really prepared for it all. All of the changes and adjustments, the sleepless nights and the eatingsleepingpooping.... It's kind of scary...

Now to change topics before I hyperventilate. We have really gotten settled into our new place, in our new town. Our apartment feels like our very own, which is what was missing in our old place. I finally feel like this is MY place, OUR place. I love it! Shortly after we moved here I was very adamant about getting things hung up on the wall, getting all of the boxes unpacked and getting all of our things organized. I wanted to make it our place and not live in a pile of boxes and such. It worked! And in just five short months we went from living in our old town, to contemplating a possible move away from our friends and family, to deciding to go ahead and move, to moving and now we are totally settled in our new place and the nursery is completely done! It's crazy to think where we were in April, or May, compared to now. Aaand to think of how much bigger my belly has gotten.

I'm sure by the time I post another update my kid will be in first grade or something, because I'm just that good at this blogging thing. Til then...

June Updates!

Hello world! I do believe it is time for an update!

So much has happened in the past month. It's hard to believe all of the changes that we have been through. We moved from the 4-bedroom, 3-bathroom house to a 2-bedroom 2-bathroom apartment that is over 80 miles south. Now, Husband does not have to commute more than about ten minutes to get to work, and we can see each other much more. I was a bit bummed out for him because the move took place on his birthday, but it was his decision, and we did sneak out to pick up a chocolate cake for him, and then we sang to him. Plus, I think the big move was something that he had been looking forward to for so long, so having it on his birthday was sort of a nice touch. I always seem to be more into the birthdays than he is, anyway.

We unpacked the boxes at an impressive rate, I'd say. Within two days of moving in, our bedroom and kitchen were fully unpacked and organized, and I had begun work on the bathrooms. Now it has been a little over two weeks and most of the hard part is done. Most of the boxes that are left cannot be unpacked until we make some furniture purchases, such as some sort of DVD rack as well as bookshelves, an entertainment center, etc. For now we have a huge box full of DVDs that I rifle through whenever I am in the mood to watch something. We have also set up our computers, which fit nicely in the living room and our bedroom, and we have all of our internet and tv hooked up. We have also begun to hang our wedding photos on the wall. I'm leaving spaces for new pictures that we won't have until the fall. Which brings me to...

Our little one! On June 1, we found out that we are expecting a little girl! The technician was about 95% sure, which is pretty sure! We have already decided on a name (I am about 95% sure as well :D) which is Audrey Rose. I love it! I have already started to call her Audrey and it feels so right! I am now brainstorming, trying to think of ideas for the nursery. Since we are in an apartment, we have the option of painting the walls, so long as we paint them back before we move out. However, I am on the fence as to whether I even want to bother with that. I have decided that if we do paint, we'll only do one, maybe two walls, instead of the entire room. I have two big ideas for nursery "themes" but I am not settled on either yet and am still open to new ideas. The ones that I have in mind are either-- a) Tiffany blue (possibly one or two walls in that color) with black & silver accents, fluffy pillows and ruffly lampshades, very girly, they also have these wall decals that look like black chandeliers and come with rhinestones that I could place on the wall over the crib... or b) a super colorful, bright & cheery nursery, with pops of color here and there, some sort of wall decals either of animals or something else, with triangle banners across the wall (near the ceiling) and a nice rug, possibly paint the crib yellow? and all sorts of colors here and there, but not too busy or crazy. Just fun!

I am bouncing back and forth between those two ideas and have not decided, since I am only 18 weeks and have plenty of time to decide and work on it! I just haven't been thinking too much on doing a pink-themed nursery because I figure I will probably be receiving quite a few pink items from friends and family as it is... I do love the color pink but I think there is a point where you can have too much.

This Friday we have our anatomy scan (and I suppose, they'll double check that we are expecting a she and not a he!) and maybe this Thursday I'll have my braces removed at my orthodontist appointment (but I've stopped getting my hopes up at this point, I'd actually be surprised if it happens!) So when there is more to say I'll come back with another update! Until then...