My new life as a mother

Well, life has certainly changed dramatically since my last post. I now have a six month-old daughter and she has made everything brighter and so wonderful. She came 9 days late (I guess she did not want to come out) and spent a very short stay in the NICU, but she is healthy and happy. We are just over the moon in love with her.

It hasn't been all easy. In fact, it was very difficult for me, in the beginning. After Husband went back to work it was just me and Audrey, and it was wonderfully sweet to cuddle with her and nurse her and watch her make adorable faces in her sleep. But I was exhausted, and sad. More sad than anyone should be after having a baby. And I was sad for a long time. Not everyone I say this to has the same reaction, but it's the truth-- in the beginning, they really are just like a blob. They are cute, of course, but they don't really respond much to all the hard work you are doing. They don't know how tired you are, how hungry you are, how desperately you want to just sneak away and take a shower (or have a margarita!) --all they know is they are hungry/tired/wet/uncomfortable and you need to fix it right this instant. It's hard! No thank-yous, no smiles, no hugs, nothing. After a while it can wear down a person. And your body has just changed so much-- you go from being the beautiful pregnant woman people open doors for and smile at when you walk down the aisle at the supermarket, to a frizzy sloppy hot mess. That can really shake up your self-confidence. There is so much happening and changing, and as happy as you are to become a mother and bring such a beautiful kid into the world, it can be terrifying and extremely hard for some. I'm just one of those people who had it harder than others, particularly when it came to my emotions. I'm doing much better now, since I asked for help and received it. It took quite a while for me to admit that I wasn't doing so well, and that it's not normal to cry at the drop of a hat every day, but with the encouragement of my online mommy group, I reached out and got the care that I needed. I'm working on all of it, and little by little I am getting better. 

One thing that I did to focus on feeling better was to go out and make some mommy friends! I now co-organize a meetup group with another mom who has a little girl almost exactly the same age as Audrey. We are meeting plenty of lovely ladies in our area who have children around the same ages as our little ones, and we regularly meet to go on walks or have lunch, or go shopping... it's nice to get together with them and not worry about my hair looking just-so, or holding anyone back by stopping to change/feed Audrey. We certainly are a sight to be seen when we get together, five or six of us with our strollers and carriers. Sometimes I feel like we are an exhibit at a museum or caged animals at the zoo, with spectators pointing and smiling, whispering to each other as they walk past. But it does not bother me in the least, I just smile back and think how lucky we all are to have each other, and our beautiful babes.

I do not get to take showers as often as I'd like, or wash the dishes regularly, or keep up with the laundry. And though I feel guilt when I think of all the chores I could be getting done while Audrey naps, I try to let those feelings go and kick my feet up. Because being a mommy is hard work, and every so often you need to give yourself a break. Sit down, relax, and just breathe. Close your eyes and go on a vacation in your mind. Right now I'm going to sit down and imagine how nice it would be to get a massage-- or go swimming (in a magical swimsuit that manages to cover every wobbly bit and stretch mark on my body) until my baby girl decides she is done with her nap. Then we will play and sing and crawl on the floor and enjoy ourselves. It is very hard work but I love her so much. Seeing that gummy smile-- with one tooth beginning to peek out at the bottom-- makes it all a little bit easier.